Here Comes the Bride?
by Emi-Lea Deschanel
Summary: Snoring, Cows, Marriage proposals, and Tape Recorders. What more could you ask for?


Heres the deal: I'm currently working on The Hart Still Won't Lie but I'm at a little writers block and am currently taking it out on a Harry Potter story. Since that pissed me off, here comes "Here Comes The...Bride?" Oh, and pieces of this story come from Reba's autobiography (I mean the snoring recording). And I'm sorry for the script-ish text. Its hard for me to write Sit-coms.

* * *

Reba Hart tiptoed into the living room, trying desperately not to wake a sleeping Van. He had had a hard day yesterday and all, but his snoring was just all too funny. She snuck up behind the couch and switched her handheld tape recorder to 'Record.' As she recorded, Van's snores became louder and louder, and he began to mumble.

"You drug induced cow... Why would you steal my lawnmower?" Snore. "I already told you, I didn't eat your pickle, its still in the desk drawer." Snore.

Reba held her giggles in as she walked around the couch to face Van.

"Yes, I'll be your bride." Snore. "But tell me, does this dress make me look fat?"

Reba decided to take Van's conversation with the cow into her own hands. "Tell me, Van," she said. "Do you have any habits I should know about before I marry you?"

As Reba spoke, she became oblivious to the world around her. Her son Jake entered the kitchen from outside and overheard Reba talking about marrying Van.

Snore. "Sometimes I pick my nose when no one's looking. But I'll stop if you want me to, Cow."

Reba smiled. "Please, call me by my real name. Bertha."

Van snorted really loud. Reba asked "Where should we go for our honeymoon?"

Snore. "I was thinking someplace that they don't eat cows." Snore. "Like India, or San Diego."

"Sounds great," Reba said. "But before I go, you must kiss me." Jake ran out of the kitchen. Reba picked up a pillow and Van kissed it. She stayed recording his snores for a few more minutes, then switched the recorder off and went into the kitchen for a bottle of water.

* * *

"Kyra! Kyra!" Jake yelled as her ran into his sister's room at their fathers.

"What is it, dorkwad?"

"Its Mom and Van! They're getting married!" he said.

"What?"

"I overheard them talking! They're getting married, changing mom's name to Bertha, and moving to San Diego! And then, she told him to kiss her!" he squealed.

"Why should I believe you?" Kyra asked.

"She has it recorded!"

"Really?" Kyra asked, thinking to herself. Another plot to make Cheyenne's life hell.

* * *

Kyra walked over to her mom's and went in the kitchen. "Hi, Cheyenne."

Cheyenne put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. "Hello Kyra."

"Cheyenne, you better forget about those dishes. You've got bigger problems."

Cheyenne put the last dish in and turned the dishwasher on. "Like what?"

Kyra looked sad. "Van's sleeping with mom."

"What!"

"I overheard them. They talked about going to Paris and leaving us with dad."

"No, no, no, no, no! Mom would never sleep with Van! And they don't have the money for a trip to Paris!"

"It's not a round-trip, Cheyenne."

Kyra left for Brock's, and Reba walked in the kitchen. "Hi, honey."

"Mom, how's your sex life?"

Reba studied her daughter. "What?"

"When was the last time you slept with someone? Last night?"

"Cheyenne, what's the matter with you?"

"You don't need to hide it, Mom! Everyone knows!"

"Hide what?"

"Yesterday! You and Van!" Cheyenne was in tears. How could her own mother do this to her?

"Honey, Van wasn't home all day yesterday. And I don't have time to sleep with your husband. Where would you get an idea like that?"

Cheyenne glared in the direction of her dad's house. "Kyra... Oh, I'm gonna kill Kyra!"

Reba tossed Cheyenne the tape recorder. "Play this really loud when she's sleeping."

* * *

Cheyenne snuck into Kyra's room. Kyra was sleeping on her side. Cheyenne turned the stereo on, stuck the tape in the tape player, turned the volume up, pressed play, and ran back home.

Across the street, Reba was reading a book on the porch when Cheyenne sat down next to her. "Well?" Reba asked.

"Its on a timer." She looked at her watch. "Three, two, one."

A loud, muffled chainsaw sound came from Kyra's room, followed by Kyra's screaming and Van's conversation about the pickle. A light turned on and the loud noises stopped. Cheyenne and Reba shared a smile as Van walked out the front door. He sat down next to Cheyenne.

"Oh man! I forgot a beer..." he stood up again to go into the house.

Reba looked up from her book and asked, "So Van, how's Bertha?"

Van opened the door. "She's great." Cheyenne smiled and Reba shook her head.

* * *

I know, it was kinda retarded... But I can't write humor and I was feeling stupid. Enjoy. 


End file.
